I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm passing your future prison.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
