After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
