the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
