I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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