it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
50% drunk capacity currently
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
