yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
