Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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