just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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