he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
