Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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