I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
