Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
