If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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