Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
