It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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