In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize