so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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