i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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