Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
