Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
