i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
