okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize