So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
