My liver just broke up with me...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
