he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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