when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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