so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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