Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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