Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize