I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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