tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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