i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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