I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
