foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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