woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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