Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
