totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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