How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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