"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
