I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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