walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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