The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
