smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
