he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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