Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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