how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
