Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
