Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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