there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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