Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
