So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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