turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
