Will you blow on my dice?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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