this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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