The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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