I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
