I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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