What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
