Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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