I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
