Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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