On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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