I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
