Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
