So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
