I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
