Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
