She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and she was petting her beer can
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They have beer where we have blood.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
