If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
