I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize