wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
