I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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