I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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