just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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