The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
