Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
