You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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